July 2008
8 posts
#25
Every time my bastarding psychopath of an ex-boyfriend STOPS posting on his crappy blog, I hope it means he’s dead.
#24
I look under my bed before I go to sleep.
#23
I’m afraid of those automatic/electric toilets.
#22
Occasionally I get really paranoid and I am convinced that entire groups of my friends have banded together in hatred for me and just talk to me to be nice.
#21
When I am alone at night I have to have either music or television on in every room so that I don’t hear any weird noises. I guess I prefer to not hear the burglars or rapists entering the house.
#20
I’m afraid I’m the cause of most policy changes at work.
#19
Sometimes when I haven’t gotten any phone calls for awhile I obsessively turn my phone on and off to make sure it is still working.
#18
I worry that someone is hiding in my basement who will kill me as I sleep even though I’ve been down there earlier in the evening, there was no one there then & my basement has no windows.
June 2008
2 posts
#17
I check my refrigerator to make sure my cat hasn’t crawled into it while I had my back turned.
#16
I have over 100 cover versions of “Last Christmas” by Wham! and I listen to them year round.
May 2008
9 posts
#15
I think there are certain individuals who genuinely dislike me because they can see me for the fraud that I am. As a result, I have a grudging respect for them.
#14
I sometimes worry that my inability not to crack a joke in even the most serious situations stems for my having been a stand up comedian in a former life.
#13
I try not to tell my therapist anything too negative. I don’t want her to think I’m actually mentally ill.
#12
Working with the public drove me to start practicing voodoo.
#11
I’m always afraid I might be pregnant. Even when it’s physically impossible.
#10
If I have a headache that’s isolated to just one area of my head, I’m certain it must be a tumor and the pain I feel is it getting larger.
#9
Every time I do something dangerous (swerving to avoid a car wreck, shocking myself, etc) and survive it, I secretly fear that I am actually dead and that the afterlife is just a bizarro continuation of real life.
#8
I have to fall asleep with the television on so I don’t have thoughts and worries plague me all night and prevent me from falling asleep.
#7
When I’m afraid my car is running out of gas, I sing “High Hopes” (the version made famous by Frank Sinatra.)
April 2008
7 posts
#6
I sniff every burner of my gas stove before I go to bed.
#5
Whenever I hear or read about head lice, my scalp automatically starts itching and I’m convinced I have them.
#4
Sometimes I wonder if the entire world is just some big joke that everyone is in on except me.
#3
Whenever I get on a bus or train, particularly a new one, I diligently research it beforehand—print out maps and timetables. But no matter how prepared I am, I always have a sneaking suspicion that I am on the wrong bus/train, and it is going the wrong way/a new route even if I am staring directly at the map and it is following the path. This second guessing results in me hopping off...
#2
I keep my cel phone under my pillow at night, just in case a killer breaks in. If I don’t have time to call 911, I can at least use the antenna stub to gouge his eye out. Simultaneously, I am afraid sleeping with the cel phone so close to my head will give me brain cancer.
#1
I sometimes worry that the free homemade treats in the staff lounge are poisoned. Usually this thought occurs to me just as I’ve swallowed my first bite.
Intro
Jerry: Ah, you're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?